cheers.

We have done so many big, life changing things in the last few years – buying a house, getting married and having a baby among them. So at the beginning of 2022, we decided to simply focus on raising Belle. We learned how to create routines that made our lives easier as parents and then (in true Allen fashion) quickly learned the boundaries of those routines and how to flex them. We watched with delight and fascination as B went from a wiggly little bean to a walking, talking wiggly big bean with thoughts and opinions and an affinity for cute animals and dance parties. We began the journey of finding our way back to ourselves and to each other and discovered what it means to simultaneously be the same people we once were, but also completely different. 

What surprised me most about this year of “not doing anything big” is how big of a thing it actually was to learn how to stand still and be present whilst doing all of the small things. Routine, though life-giving and steadying in so many ways, can also feel incredibly suffocating at times. How is it possible to wish for a moment to be over and last forever at the same time?? Add that to the ever-growing Question Marks of Parenthood, I guess.

This past year I so badly wanted to discover the secret of, arrive at and bask in the glory of a perfectly balanced life. I wanted the chaos in my brain to suddenly snap into place, to learn how to still my mind enough to say that I “used” to be that way. Instead I discovered the disappointment of realizing that balance in family, in career, in self, in mental health, in life is not a thing that can be accomplished and then checked off the list. It is a constant, lifelong effort of identifying, accepting and knowing when to sit still and when to taking action. It is pinging between highs and lows and realizing that it’s the time in between the pings that makes up the majority of your life. 

If you’ve read this far only to see what I’ve learned in 2022 wrapped up in a shiny bow, I’m sorry to disappoint you. When I look back on the year as a whole, I feel both satisfied and discontent. Both certain and confused. 

Well-rested and yet completely and utterly exhausted.

“Simplify” and “Balance” have been on my list of intentional words for the past three years, and I think I’m finally ready to let them go. Life is only going to get busier and more complicated from here, and I don’t want to look back 20 years from now and wish I had just embraced the duality of it all. Instead of spending so much energy avoiding and fearing the lows or chasing (and then wondering if I’ve actually enjoyed) the highs, I would like to become more comfortable simply being along for ride in its entirety. Catching the wave and observing how it flows along the way instead of anticipating its beginning and end. Accepting that it was both fun and not fun, often at the same time. Knowing that wave after wave will continue to carry me through the rest of my life, and that I have everything I need within me, around me and above me to ride each one all the way through.

So, cheers to 2023. To moments of joy, balance and simplicity mixed with sadness, instability and chaos. To the pings and the waves and all the time in between. And finally, cheers to the peace in knowing that there is love and worthwhileness to be found in all of it.

Happy New Year,

♥ Sarah