day one.

If you follow me on insta, then you likely know by now where I ended up landing after my last post. The next day I ended up in a conversation with friends about the subject and on my drive home it just hit me - I need to do this. It’s time to break up with Instagram. I waffled back and forth for awhile about whether I should:

A) delete it entirely,
B) try to spend a finite amount of time on it per week, or
C) just take an extended break for a month or two.

I’ve already been trying to spend less time online each day, but all that ended up looking like was me putting time limits on my phone and blatantly ignoring them. I could have easily deleted it and just been done, but as I meandered down our cute little rural road, this little voice in my head said clear as day, “Do it for a year.”

Like I mentioned in my last post, I’m really terrible at boundaries. I know some people are great at putting internal rules and restrictions into place and sticking to them, but if you could win an award for breaking promises to yourself, I would probably be reigning champion. I’d like to think I’m pretty great at coming through for other people, but in true Enneagram Two fashion, everything is negotiable when it comes to my own needs. When I place little micro goals on things like “only spend 30 minutes/day on Instagram,” I inevitably make small negotiations with myself until the boundary is obliterated entirely. Now that I’ve announced a year-long hiatus to my 296 followers, I’m going to be held accountable for the outcome. And the OTHER side of my Two-ness is that I don’t want to let anyone down. I know there a bazillion people in the world who don’t struggle with social media addiction (my husband, for example) and I’m sure to them this commitment seems like a piece of cake. Like, what’s the big deal. But I also know that there are plenty out there like me who do. I’d hate to think I would crack a few weeks or months in and someone else who struggles like me would be like “Yep, I knew it wasn’t possible.” I want to end up on the other side of this, December 31, 2021, knowing that I kept this promise to myself and showed others that it was not only doable, but LIFE CHANGING. And I already know it will be.

Even though it might be hard to tell by all of that rambling you just read, my main goal here is to give you an idea of how my first Instagram-free day has been. When I first decided I was going to do this it was something along the lines of exhilarating. A little daunting, but mostly like f*ck yeah, I’m doing this. Fast forward to this morning and I was singing a bit of a different tune. I started to think about all the things, all of the NEWS I would be missing out on this year. How would I know when so-and-so got engaged?? How would I see cute photos of my nieces and nephews and remember that I hadn’t seen them in awhile?? How would I know when my friends are in town so I can make plans with them before they leave?? What if I didn’t hear that someone had died and made a dumb comment to their loved one?? And this afternoon as I walked around the park with my husband and marveled at the way the blue sky and sun illuminated our beautiful lake and snow-capped mountains, I thought WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO POST THE PHOTO THAT I SO DESPERATELY WANT TO TAKE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW.

Anxiety. Stress. Worry. DOUBT. That’s when it sunk in that I really am an addict.

I think social media addiction ends up in a category similar to coffee. Everyone does it and halfway jokes about being addicted, but most people dial down the fact that our bodies/minds can actually for realsies be addicted to things besides meth and crack. Unlike those two things, I really do believe that there is so much good that can come from a healthy relationship with social media. I have just found that I don’t know how to have said healthy relationship, and it’s time for a radical change of pace. I’m also nervous about the fact that I can’t just delete the Instagram app. There’s a reason I specified that I’d be taking a break from my personal instagram, and that’s because I still have a business to run. Instagram is an invaluable marketing tool and I will continue to post on both the @LCCreativeMarketing and @SarabellumFelt accounts, but part of my commitment is that I will restrict my usage to business tasks only. That means absolutely no viewing other’s profiles or posts in any circumstance. This will likely be my biggest challenge, akin to an alcoholic going into a bar to have a soda. Yikes. Pray for me.

The degree to which I struggled with this today was exactly the evidence I needed that this is a positive change for me. I will have to learn how to see the beautiful view, fully enjoy it and file it away in my memory, knowing that it’s beauty is not less-than because other people don’t know that I saw it. When I’m stressed and anxious, I’m going to have to find something else to settle my mind besides mindlessly scrolling through other people’s shit. And I mean shit with the utmost affection. I really, truly care about what’s going on in the lives of the people I love, and even those I just kind of like. I want to see pretty smiles and hear about fun trips and drool over descriptions of delicious meals. I just can’t continue to absorb all of those things from my phone screen. My brain is desperate for some breathing room. And even though it’s been less than 24 hours and I’m already struggling to keep this promise to myself, I can so clearly see how badly I need this and how beneficial it’s going to be in my life. Time to level up, y’all!

One day down, 364 to go.

Love Always,

Sarah